Watching my own Passing Away
A strange thing is happening to me these days. Standing outside myself, I seem to be watching the last days of my life passing by like a large landscape banging at the windows of a slow train to nowhere. And I have no explanation for it.
From months of not being able to sleep by 11 p.m, as I’ve been used to for almost a lifetime, I suddenly find that I can sleep at any time at all. And, in fact, I feel sleepy right through the day.
Not that I’m unhappy about it, but it is kind of discomforting for a type-A person who has to be doing something all of the time.
Wanting to sleep during the day is not the only problem.
I would have welcomed it. Three months to my eightieth birthday, most people have forgotten that I exist. And, to add to that, getting my writings published today is more demeaning than personally selling pirated copies off my old books at a traffic signal.
Therefore, just sleeping in the armchair with my legs up with the latest newspaper carrying Barrack Obama’s picture on it covering my face, is not a bad existence after all.
But then I suddenly realize that like a warning on a carton of medication “there may be side effects.”
For example, hallucination.
That’s bad. You mean to say I’m not really watching my quiet, slow and unheralded going away? That’s unfair. I’ve been preparing for it for a long time.
Twenty years ago a friend of mine in Chembur had made excellent preparations for his own demise. He had tailored a nice dark suit, decided on the type of coffin and the undertaker, the flower arrangements, the choir and put everything down neatly on a sheet of paper which he kept in his cupboard accessible to the family.
Charitably, he had sent a large donation to the Seminary on condition that at least 100 seminarians would attend the funeral. And he had had a grave freshly dug in our cemetery which he visited every day to ensure it had not been encroached upon and illegally occupied.
Always a perfectionist, my friend visits the cemetery and climbs down into the grave he has reserved for himself to check the appropriateness of its size.
The story goes that one evening a lonely widow was visiting the cemetery to lay some flowers on her late husband’s grave. Suddenly, she saw a man emerging from an open grave. With a shriek, that still echoes throughout that surburb, she turned and she ran. She is still running, I am told, since nobody has been able to trace her ever since.
On the other hand my friend is still in good health and, poor guy, had to revise the list in his cupboard several times due to the untimely deaths of people whom he had assigned some funeral chores.
I am not making such elaborate preparations. I just want to watch myself going quietly, as I’m doing at the moment.
However, I must confess that in a moment of misplaced vanity and curiosity, I allowed a vague announcement of my death to be inserted in the Times of India. Just name, time and place of burial.
At the appropriate time, wearing a large hat that hid my face, I stood at the far end of the cemetery to check on the attendance. I wept. I was the only one weeping out of a crowd of exactly three people. One a money lender, the other a woman I had jilted and had come to make sure I was really dead and gone, and the third a policeman who was wondering at the absence of a priest, undertaker and a dead body.
Hallucination be damned. The reality is that I am “going”. Take body weight for instance..
I am losing weight. Slowly but surely. People envy me. Specially people struggling desperately to lose weight. They don’t know my problems. I am forced to take my trousers and shorts to a Bandra “alteration genius” called Bob.
When the frequency of the alterations and the costs started to bother me I bought a pair of stylish suspenders. When the suspenders started to slip off my frail shoulders I finally resorted to the common Goan “badkar” solution. I used an old tie. Easy to knot and un-knot.
The other signs of my being ready to go away are equally powerful.
I wait till the old girl picks up the phone. I am reluctant to respond to the ringing of the doorbell. I haven’t sent any Christmas cards this year and did not go to Goa for the great big, fat family get-together at Christmas and the New Year.
I have always had a problem listening. Now I have a problem hearing. I have accepted invitations to parties on the rare occasions that I pick up the phone and, much to the old girl’s embarrassment, have landed on the wrong day or the wrong place.
I used to really enjoy socializing. Right now I leave a party early after quickly downing a couple of glasses of wine and a disgusting display of snack-gorging.
As the great singer Harry Belafonte said in one of his immortal songs, “it is clear as
mud” that time is running out for me.
And the final sign.
When I no longer cry bitterly watching scenes of genocide whether in Gujarat or in Palestine or Orissa; when I do not have fits of anger seeing mandate-less self appointed regional leaders take over and ransack my city and even experience indifference when not one goon is convicted; when I feel that walking in morchas and lighting candle for the victims of terrorism is an exercise in futility and when my blood pressure remains stable at the corporate anointment of a modern day Nazi as our future Prime Minister I think its time for me to go.
See you at the graveside. Oops, sorry, YOU see me at the graveside if you are not too busy watching “Slumdog Millionaire”
And even if you are, thank you and all the hundreds of friends and loved ones, thank you for the time you gave me all these years. More priceless than your presence now.
March 9th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
Not happy at all that you posted this – it will be interesting to see how many people share my reaction.
Love,
Ax
March 11th, 2009 at 1:29 am
Dear darling daughter
All my life, a great deal spent on satiirical writing, has been spent in laughing at my self and trying to deflate the pompousness that surround us.
Can I deny myself in my winter years ?
Have received lots of calls including from a friend from Jaipur who would not stop laughing and said, recalling my days in the Indian Air Force, “old soldiers never die…..they only write their own beautiful obituaries
Only my very close loved ones are unhappy and I can understand that.
Dad
March 11th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
Dear George,
After reading your article, it makes me think as too what should I do? Simply laugh, cry or bid farewell !!! It does make me feel sad when I have to read what I read. Knowing you personally and having read many of your satirical writings earlier, reminds me of another Indian satirist legend Sardar Kushwant Singh, who like you made pun of himself in his writings.
By George! you are miles ahead of him, yet I and many more friends, fans and family members of yours would not even think nor want to watch your passing away.
Yes, we all at times, have dreamt our own end from this world. Dreaming is our choice, passing away is not our choice. It’s in the Lord ‘s hand and we do not really know, how, when and where our end will come?
To add to my own, I would like you to know that the pearly gates of heaven is still not open to you yet. I bet St. Peter in heaven and many more friends and fans of yours like me are still waiting and wanting to read
many more articles from you.
Till the time comes to bid you farewell, I wish you many more healthy years to your 80 years which will be on April 10th and hope you will have some good and restfull sleep without the tonic . I look forward from you, to continue to gives us the joy and smiles that you hold in your pen and self.
With warm regards and god bless, Long live George.
Dominic D’Souza
Aurora, Colorado, USA
March 12th, 2009 at 7:20 am
Dear Dominic
You are always kind and genrerous. May both your wishes and mine be granted.
God has his plan . May it be a gentle one.
George
March 23rd, 2009 at 7:29 am
this article reminded me of the story which you told us about a man whom you appointed in a company on the request of priest of the church. And when you died you wanted to see how people share their views about you. And the same person who was jobless and you gave a job to him was at the hight of condeming you.
Sir, people like you are the concious keeper. No matter what happens, you need to be alive for years to provoke our inner self.
regards
milan
March 24th, 2009 at 3:09 am
Dear Milan
Thanks for always for logging in
You will be surprised as to the loads of people who are indeed grateful
Only they do not know how to express it in words
They pray for us
Last week I attended the funeral of Maggie Jacinto a tough Union leader of our factory
I was asked to say a few words and I blessed and thanked for helping in my growth and making me who I am
George
April 13th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
Hi George,
You can’t do that!! Leave us bereft of those great articles we love and look forward to read. No way. You’re just 80 man – Long way to go. I wish you at least 10 more years of happy, healthy penmanship in the company of your dear “ole girl” as you call her.
Bernice Pereira
April 15th, 2009 at 10:44 am
Thank you for all the encouragement you have given me for ever so long
Do storm heaven with your prayers for our good health. We ask for nothing more than that from God who has been so good to us
May 28th, 2009 at 3:51 am
Dear George Sir,
You are immortal in many ways. You will never die. You will always live in the hearts of your fans, like me. But remember, long ago, you had made a public statement in South India: Bury me in the South in the cemetary of discriminated Christians, if the discrimination persists in the Church. The situation in South is still no different. Where is the Redeemer?
May 29th, 2009 at 3:28 am
Dear Virendra
Good to hear from you. Specially words of appreciation
I am not in touch with Christian Dalit happenings although AICU informs me of major break throughs
The concentration is still on asking the Govt. to do justice and extend benefits to our dalits as are being extended to other dalits.
The efforts of the Church and community to empower Dalits within the Church are “too little , too late”
Although they are to be appreciated, they are not enough.
Like Martin Luther KIng who had a dream we have dreams but unlike Martin Luther we have not broken them down to small achieveable goals. King said “bussing” was his first step. Blacks would insist on riding the same buses as the whites
My goal was that the wall separating dalits from upper castes in the cemeteries who be removed. I believe that was achieved. There are other achievable goals within the Church.
But alas we are obssessed with the what the Govt can give. Govt benefits have not helped. Take today’s case of the Dera’s in Austria. The Sikh dalits who enjoy Govt benefits are discriminated within the Sikh community.
Keep in touch.
George
June 3rd, 2009 at 2:18 am
Thank you for your reply. I agree with you that Govt benefits would not do much good. Instead, it will push the Christians back into the old system which they resented. Moreover, Govt is also not likely to provide any benefits due to the pressures from all others. Any way, let us hope and pray for justice and progress of Chirstians. Take care.
June 22nd, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Dear Mr. Menezes:
This was hilarious. I also agree with your response to your daughter Anjali and I quote…. ”All my life, a great deal spent on satirical writing, has been spent in laughing at myself and trying to deflate the pompousness that surround us. Can I deny myself in my winter years?”
Absolutely not. Laughter is the best medicine and laughing at yourself will perhaps keep death at bay.
Also by planning your funeral you are inevitably postponing it. Nature or God if you prefer to call it has an uncanny way of running awry a lot of our plans.
Take the case of my Uncle Wilfred for example who died a couple of years ago at the age of 87. In 1989 when he was not quite 70 years he suffered a heart attack and while he recovered from it, a very reputable cardiac surgeon from a very reputable hospital in Bombay told him he needed immediate surgery or he would die within 6 months. Now Uncle Wilfy was a man of limited resources and the total cost of the surgery estimated at around 10-15 lakhs (in 1989) was beyond his means. He would need to take a loan or sell his wife’s jewelry in order to come up with the necessary funds. So he decided that he had lived long enough, he had retired from his modest job, his children were settled, he had met his first grandchild and it was time to move on. The financial & physical strain of major surgery were absolutely not worth a few more unproductive years. So he asked to be released from the hospital and be sent home to die in peace where he started preparing for the inevitable.
Now at that time, I was working in the Persian Gulf and heard about the diagnosis. He was very fond of me and the feeling was mutual so I was hoping I would get to meet him before he passed on and I was not disappointed. When I visited him on vacation, I expected to find him depressed, but he was actually in fine spirits and full of life, joking about his own funeral.
Well Mr. Menezes, let me tell you he lived for over 15 years after that and the cause of death when it finally arrived was not his heart but lung failure, he was 87 years, what do you expect? And the irony of it is that he attended the funerals of a host of relations (including my father) who were all younger than him and were expected to attend his funeral.
I also wish to state that he did not spend those extra 15 years in bed or confined to the house, but he enjoyed them playing with his grand children and was also able to attend all the family parties including my wedding.
Do you think he could attribute those bonus years (mandatory overs as my father a cricket fan would call them) to your philosophy in ‘Watching my passing away’ or was it just a corrupt doctor trying to make a quick buck with utter disregard for human life????
June 27th, 2009 at 3:35 am
Dear Sheila
You have had some great experiences and you recount them with a flair
You should write for the media, set up a website or blog
Also pray that you and your friends pass away quietly, peacefully and serenely,without pain and surrounded by their loved ones
Good luck.
George
October 23rd, 2009 at 6:38 am
Hi George,
Many many belated happy returns on your 80th birthday. By the way, when is your birthday ?
Reading your post reminded me of Salvador Dali who woke up everyday in the morning and would rush to read the obituary column of the newspaper. And not finding his name there, would go back to sleep contented.
Here’s Wishing you a long and virile life !
Suren KAUSHIK, Pune
October 24th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
Dear Suren
How nice to find you visiting my website
I will be 81 n the 19th of April 2010, God willing
Imiss seeingyou and your family in Bandra. Our famous project, “The CarterRoad Promenade” is a great blessing to the Community.
The Celebrate Bandra Festival starts next month.
In case you do not get the Souvenir I shall post the piece I have written for it “Conversations with the Sea” on my website
Your frienship is priceless to me
George
George
February 14th, 2010 at 2:27 pm
Mr. Menezes,
Thanks to the kind courtesy of a friend and her friend, my sister, your web site and your beautiful and humorous writings have once again come my way — that is, 20 years after we moved to the US. I revelled in reading your writings in my pre-US days, incidentally never missed them, and reading this article reminded me of how it made my day then. But the person who introduced me to your writings was my dear dad, who is presently 89 years old and has failing memory and limited communication. But I am going to read each of your articles to him and I bet it will light a spark and add a special touch to his day as well as that of my mum. I can picture him reading your articles and laughing heartily, which then drew all of us to the object or subject of his laughter — a natural way to get us all hooked on something good! Mr. Menezes, my prayer is that God bless you with many more years of good health and happiness. I just read too that you lost your wife and I loved that ode to your wife that you wrote. My sympathies to you. The world is a better place because of you and your late wife. Astrid
February 15th, 2010 at 11:50 pm
You have made my day……”my decade”, as reader from the UK also said to me and she is no mean writer herself.
I need to place you in the context of your days in India. Have we met ?
The internet is God’s gift to us. To bring us to love one another across the oceans and time zones when the local Parish fails. At the age of 80 I can only praise the the Lord and use his instrument to touch precious people who are open to a moment of grace.
I have tears in my eyes thinking that some silly words of mine can bring light and laughter to an 89 year old father because a loving daughter makes time to read to him.
God bless you and your loved ones. Stay connected. My wife and I stay connected through a celestial wi-fi system
Muchlove
George
February 16th, 2010 at 2:03 pm
Mr. Menezes,
Thank you for your kind words. I do not recall having had the privilege of meeting you up close and personal, but I have been present at events where you presided or were the guest of honor and so, admired you from a far!
My parents are from Saligao and so we faithfully attended both the May and the November Saligao events here in Bombay, in fact, it was a ritual, which we grew to love. Thanks to our parents who gave us those roots, we now have wings!
Presently I am in Bombay caring for both my parents, while my kind husband and daughter hold down the fort in Louisville, Kentucky, USA. This is going to be a long transition considering the demands of my parents’ health. I joke that this is my sabbatical to write my book — something that I really, really want to do at some point and have been very much encouraged by family and friends. Yes, your writings have been my inspiration too! Our daughter who graduated as an Electrical Engineer last year is getting married this year and then may be after that I can take that leap of faith and chart the course of my book….or may be I should start with a smaller game plan! I welcome any advice or suggestions from you.
Thank you once again,
God Bless,
Astrid
February 19th, 2010 at 11:58 am
Dear Astrid
You already have the gift of being able to write so well
Start on your book right now. Stress of care giving and the joyous anticipation of a wedding are both great stimuli for creative writing
There is no better time than the present. Shall send you my phone number by Email and talk to you
Thanks
George
April 22nd, 2010 at 4:43 am
Married Catholics have right to Priesthood
This has reference to the various news reports involving Catholic priests in USA and Europe in sex scandals and child abuse cases. There is nothing new in it. The history of the Church reveals that it has been going on for the last two thousand years. A priest’s sexuality is not private, but a public issue. Catholics have been taught to honour and support priests because they profess to have forgone a traditional family to lead sexually chaste lives in prayer and service to the people of the church. Many priests have betrayed this promise/vow, yet they have been allowed to continue as priests. It can be therefore presumed that Vatican does not see celibacy as essential to the priesthood. Married people therefore have every right to be ordained as priests.
Majority of Indian Catholics are under the wrong impression that the tradition of Catholic priests remaining unmarried has been in practice since the times of Jesus Christ. It is not true. In fact, eleven out twelve disciples of Christ were happily married men. And, if you look at the history of the Church, available on the Internet, it will be seen that earlier not only priests, but bishops and popes were also married. Some of them even had more than one wife and mistresses, too. It was at the general ecumenical council held at Lateran (Rome) in 1139 AD during the tenure of Pope Innocent II that the law was enacted for priests to remain unmarried for life. Actually, celibacy is glorious only when it comes from within oneself as a result of meditation and self-realization. It should never be imposed as a pre-condition to priesthood. But the Catholic Church has thrust it upon candidates desirous of becoming priests. Since priestly training begins at the young age and the candidates have to make decision too early in life, many priests have strayed at later stage in their life all over the world. Many have also left priesthood and got married.
According to former American Catholic priest, Fr John Shuster, today’s priesthood/hierarchy is over 50% gay. Gay persons have found a safe and respectable heaven in the priesthood. In Indian tradition, married life is never considered as a hindrance or against spiritual progress. No other religion in the world requires its priests to be unmarried. Even Christian denominations other than Catholics have married priests. The arguments put forth in support of celibate priesthood are not convincing. Married people therefore have every right to be ordained as priests.
May 1st, 2010 at 11:04 am
Dear Vincent,
thank you for your very long comment. Unfortunately it has nothing to do with my piece that you have selected to post a comment. I appreciate the trouble you taken to visit my website
February 24th, 2011 at 2:03 pm
Dear Mr. Menezes,
‘Watching my own passing away’ was a pleasant reading for me – a truth expressed in such a lucid way.
The truth – we often take our faces away from – will play the role it is required to ! It’s matter of time only. Your critical appreciation of your own life is phantasmagoric.
Hallelujah!
Respectfully,
P.M.Sen.
February 25th, 2011 at 12:53 am
Dear Prodosh
How wonderful it is for a writer to have people like you not only avidly following what I write but recommending it to be read by your friends.
If this did not happen writers like me would cease to exist or have become an Endangered Species.
I also welcome negative feedback and any advice and suggestions you have. God bless you
February 27th, 2011 at 10:40 pm
Known you and loved you all these years, this is the one time I’ll have to disagree, George. This isn’t your swan song. Agree things may not be going well for you in terms of your health. But I believe you’re a toughie, have a lot of fight left in you and, I may add, a lot of fighting left to do. You’ll be around for us a long while more I pray.
February 28th, 2011 at 2:02 am
Thank you for sharing how much you care. It goes beyond appreciation that most writers get. The article was meant to be satirical and give readers a good laugh but then I can understand what you’re saying.
The article was written when Thecla was suffering a great deal. Death was a constant companion in our home. Hanging around like the proverbial “Sword of Democles”
I am fit now both in mind and body and will hang on to with the help of caring people
like you
The Lord has plans for me and I have an unfinished agenda how they
December 28th, 2011 at 1:17 am
Dear Mr. Menezes,
Is it in the Menezes genes to be prepared for death !
Reading this article was enjoyable. Fact or fiction is secondary the primary thing is that it was fun and I have heard about such type of stories from my parents and relatives.
My Late father and his siblings always talked about death and being prepared for it. They all except one died before they turned 67years so they really did not plan their end though they were always prepared for it.
Do you know Mr.Leon D’souza of 14thRoad Chembur he is my dads first cousin.
This is all for now.
Happy New Year in advance.
love
Louella
January 4th, 2012 at 10:28 am
Thanks Louella
Yes I know Leon extremely well. Fine guy. Very Talented Musician but very humble and self-effacing
Wish you and your loved ones God’s choicest blessings during the coming year
much love
George